Learning to Love Life: The MASKS We Wear

I had made a comment to an aquaintence several months ago about me having to wear a mask to hide my true feelings, emotions, my true SELF!

It inspired her to write a whole blog page about the masks we wear......so today as I was catching up on Facebook.....I noticed someone else had mentioned the word "mask" in her post as well, so now....it got me to thinking about what I had said several months ago!

I have so much to say about this topic that I don't even know WHERE to start!
It seems like I have worn a mask my entire life......hiding my pain, my tears and my fears.

I was just thinking about this last night as well. When and where have I ever been able to be ME?!

One place and time I can think of is when I used to go out with my girls, and DANCE! Yes....I had to drink alcohol to loosen up.....to let my guard down.....to take off my MASK! I felt so free and alive when dancing.......I got to "let go" of the stressors from the week; work, kids, parents, bills.....etc.! I didn't have to pretend that everything was ok.....I didn't have to wear my "responsible" mask when dancing!

Another place and time.....the 17 years I played softball! Playing softball was my "out", my way of not having to worry about anything, other than catching and hitting the ball (which wasn't always easy). I didn't have to wear my mask out on the field, or in the dugout! My teammates accepted me for who I was. Carefree, compassionate, full of integrity and sometimes even a little funny! I could be me - whether it was playing 3rd base, pitching, catching or hitting a home run (which I did 3 or 4 times).....I didn't have to wear my "catcher's mask"....catching all the drama of the "real" world.

I seem to always be wearing a mask.....putting on the HAPPY face, so that no one will question or wonder why ......why is she not happy, what is wrong in her life. It's all for the sake of argument - that I wear my many, many masks!

The most tragic event in my life that has put a permanent mask on my face is when my oldest son was killed October 24, 2006, when he was only 19 years old!

I wanted to scream, to cry, to yell at someone.....and I was told "bite your tongue....you don't' want to hurt anyone's feelings." I was like "WHAT THE HELL?" Don't hurt anyone's feelings????? What about MY feelings?! What about MY heart that has been broken - FOREVER! What about ME?! I know it may sound selfish, but still I say........."WHAT THE HELL?" So....there goes that mask.....to keep quiet and smile.....and be nice......to the people that caused my son's death!

I was told, by the people dearest to me....."Buck up and move on", you should be over it by now! How dare they! They have NO freakin' clue how I feel, what i'm going through, NO freakin' clue! HOW could they say those things to me? So......there goes ANOTHER mask......to cover up the pain of my broken heart! A mask........to "look" like i'm ok, that i'm "moving on"!

WHY? Why do we ALL wear all these different masks? WHY don't we....why CAN'T we show who we really are,,,,,,what we are really FEELING? WHY do we think or feel that we can't show our true selves.....our true emotions?

I personally am tired of wearing my masks....yes that is plural......many, many masks I wear, and I am tired! Tired of keeping up with what one to put on for what occasion, for what day......which one to wear for the moment! Why can't I just be ME?!

Why can't I be sad? Why can't I be broken? Even if just for a little while! Sometimes I just NEED to feel my true emotions.......without someone, anyone...telling me "to get over it"!